I'm happy & i know it

so i can honestly say i am happy... i do go through some pretty rough times alot.. i know i can be a moody bitch sometimes but hey thats how i am and it's something i am working to better.  i'm trying my hardest not to let depression take hold of me & right now it seems to be working...i've gone one one date that was successful & a 2ndone is in the works.. i'm really excited about that cuz i never thought someonwe would take such an interest in me and its nice to knowthat my physical problems didnt seem to threaten them or make this person feel uneasy.. which is always an issue with me when it comes to dating... it's just nice to be able to sit down & enjoy someones company & know they are enjoying urz just as much...   everything just seems to be falling into place now & i'm really glad about that..........i'm thankful for my friends who have been supportive & helped me and continue to give me a reason to get up in the morning.. yall know who u are so i wont mention any names...:)  other then that nothing new to really talk about.. just that it feels really nice to be happy:)

top reasons why gay guys rock

so as you all know i am a HUGE fag hag.. in fact my best friend is one and to be honest i couldn't ask for a better friend.  (<3 luv u faggot).  yes i can call that don't like it neither of us give a fuck i assure you ;)  i just feel so much more comfy around gay dudes because for me i feel we have so much in common as far as being discriminated against because of how we are.  but that's just one of many reasons that i have compiled in this list.

1. they make awesome shopping buddies
2. they have great fashion sense
3. you never have to worry about them being distracted by your boobs or ass while talking to you
4. instead of hiding boners when your looking all sexy they will come up and compliment how awesome you look
5. they accept you for YOU(no judgments)
6. they are ALOT more sensitive
7. if another girl is trying to start shit with u they will be the first ones in your corner to stand up for u
8. they don't think chick flicks r stupid....:)
9. they are ALOT more open with their opinions & feelings
10. they also share the excitement over your new pair of shoes

1. they are PROUD of who they are and don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of them 

so THAT my friends is way i love & think so highly of my homos.  i can honestly say those that are in my life have never made me regret making the decsion to be friends with them.  they are honestly some of my most supportive friends & i am thankful for each & every one of them<3 

show ur support and love of a cripple

show ur support by purchasing ur very own cerebral palsy awareness wristband

 front says CEREBRAL PALSY AWARENESS

 back  says CUZ WE <3 HEIDI me

so if u do not already have one and would like one plz let me know

thank you for your support :)

getting it all out...

Lately I've had some questions brewing in my mind that i just cant seem to find the answers 2.

1. with as many friends that i have why is it do i feel so alone?
2. why do i seem to be stuck in a rut i cant't get out of?
3. y do i still give myself to people who don't appreciate or give back to me in return?
4. WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE A NEVER EVER GET A BREAK FROM SHIT & STRESS

As you can see there are mostly a lot of questions beginning with "why".  I also can't deal with how selfish people have become.  Just cause i loke to help/advocate for my friends and illnesses they may have some people see that as "annoying".  well you know what i say?  It's there fucking loss.  

I don't know maybe it's the fact that the holidays are approaching & i'm seeing the joy everyone else is expirencing and wish i could have that as well.   I know some of my entries have not been s uplifting as of late.. but in my mind i am going through so much... maybe i'm doing this to myself or maybe i'm over analyzing shit... whatever it is i don't care blogging about this stuff makes me feel better.  I just feel like everyone around me is just to busy to even wanna bother with me.

I think people fail to understand me cuz they don't stop to think about how they would fel if they had to deal with half the shit i do.. i mean it isnt all bad but i deal with a lot more emotionally then most of you can handle.  do you know what itas like to go to your first wake at the age of 15..one of my friends had past away 3 days before xmas .. he was als fifteen... since then i've had numerous losses since then... it's very  frightening  to  c your dear friend just laying their.. never having the chance to grow up or anything.... i constantly worry about my friends.  there is that fear in the back of my mind almost daily.

When it comes to  romantic relationships(now thats a laugh) i have far to many hangups to even wanna try anymore.  i have abandonment issues because just about everyone who i let get close to me has left me , dropped me as if i was nothing.  the last time i let myself get close to someone i ended up having to go into therepy just to help me deal with the pain that caused me because as it turns out i was just a "parking space for his dick." as he put it. & i was just about destroyed.   took me awhile to bounce back from that  & even now i havwent gotten over it..... I also don't know if i'll ever to able to ger past all these issues i have.  guess i'm just a hopeless cause......

I've had my share of bullshit & i guess i wanna know if i will EVER stop dealing with it.  I LOVE to go out but i hate always having to be the one to ask if anyone wants to hangout(half the time no one answers anyway) why can't someone just call or txt and say "hey what are you doing today would u like to chill?"  that hasn't happened in soo long and i find myself just spending the majority of my days(when i'm not working) by myself.. which is fine some days but others it just leaves such a lonely feeling inside me it makes me chest hurt... i'm just SO TIRED of dealing with the feeling... it's making me almost numb.....to the point where i don't wanna bother going anywhere cuz i feel lie people r just doing it cuz they feel they have 2 not to mention that i feel like a burden.  makes me feel awkward too. sometimes when i go out with people i feel like i don't belong there...weird i know but i just get this "out of place" feeling.  i've also been told a lot of false promises by people who have ased me to hang & then nothing ever comes of it.  well excuse my french but.. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?  that's just about as bad as putting a peace of meat in front of a dog and then yanking it away going "haha i was just kidding u can't have this."

ok well i'm done for now.. sry if this seems neg it's not my intention to make people feel bad, the whole purpose of blogging is 2 get your feelings out and that just what i'm doing..

time for a run or in my case a roll

happening so fast

I feel as though everything is happening so fast..... i can't believe the year is almost over....  i guess that can be good & bad depending how u look @ it.  so much has happened this yr... one of my dear friends went to heaven this past july & their isn't a day that goes by that i dont think about her & wonder what she's up 2 up there. knowing Alyssa she's prolly doing every womans makeup up their helping them look amazing:).  she has inspired me  to prefect my own make up techniques & i gotta say they are getting better. i can now put on eye liner & have it look decent.. instead of the "beat up" look.  i've had a few bouts with depression.. but thx to some of my amazing friends i once again beat it(u guys know who u r).  it's nic to know that no matter how low u get there is always a txt message or a missed call asking how u r today & the constant reassurance brought on by those you know will never abandon you know matter what life throws at you. i can honestly say i have been blessed to have the most amazing supportive friends & family.  my goal for the coming year is to land a ful time job and start saving to get a place of my own..

Hopfully it all works out :)

just lost.....and fucked

so once again.. i am being fucked over again in the love department.  that date with that douche never happened.. do u wanna fucking know y?  cuz he stood me up twice... both times never calling to tell where he was.. just a phone that kept constantly ringing.... as well as not answering my txts.. i mean wtf man everytime i seem to put myself out there or try to open my heart to prehaps let someone in i get fucked ovedr & hurt.  to be honest it makes me feel like complete shit... wtf is wrong wioth me???  do i honestly have a fucking sign on my head that sayts stupid bitch on it.. i mst cuz to be honest i feel like a fucking fool... imagine my horor when i found out i was just a stupid fucking bet between him and his friends.... thats right..... i bet.. i know i am so worth so much more then that....   but it hurts and honestly this has started my depression again... idk.. i just feel so fucking worthless & unwanted.. and whose t o say if i will ever put my trust in anyone who shows an interst in me again?  i mean how can i be so sure they won't do se stupid shit like he did you know?  i mean i'm so thankful for my friends cuz they are nothing short of amazing.. and in that respect i am blessed truely.  
 But... WHAT ABOUT LOVE?  & WHEN WILL I FIND THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO LOVE THE PERSON MY FRIENDS & FAMILY LOVE?  I'm starting to think its just not even out there for me anymore.... it sucks & i'm just about to give up.. i feel like i live me life in so much isolation and barely anyone understands my emotions....  i feel so fucking lost....  yea i put on this smile sometime but on the inside and mentally i'm all sorts of insecure among other things.......................just hope theres a way to better my feelings & to allow myself to heal... :(
 

a whole buncha emotions

well it seems that a week from today i have a DATE with a GUY.. the date part is not really the weird part.. the GUY part is.. i really don't know why it just does.... maybe its cuz most of the girls i'm meeting just have 2 much fucking baggage like kids and pushing themselves on me when i'm not really all that interested... i have enough shit and issues of my own do i really need to take on someone ele's shit? i don't think so.  so i decided to give this dude a shot.. he seems really nice & at first i'll admit i was trying to think of EVERY possiable reason to push him away.... just cuz i fear being hurt so bad.... but as i got to talking to him i can't seem to stop... we've been talking and txting like crazy and he has nothing but compliments to give me... in a way, i guess he's bu7ilding my self esteem up again SLOWLY but he is...  i am still very apprehensive.. but what do i have to lose right?  if anything he'll just be another fried and you can never have to many of those....  it's just.. that with everything i've been through in the past i can't help but think that someway, somehow he's going to hurt me.  i know its crazy to think like that but when you've been shit on so much as i have by just about every one i've ever given my heart to its kinda hard not 2.....  maybe its my fear of him not understading someone like me & viewing the world through my eyes... i seem to find myself connecting better with those people who deal with struggles and who themselves have issues of some kind.  i feel like i'm going out on a limb here and i'm scared:(  i really don't even know if i wanna go through with this......:(