summer is fast approaching

so summer is fast approaching & i plan on having a great one.. i plan on hanging around those who make me happy and just having fun.. the scary party  is i will be turning 30 in aug... i guess that's not 2 scary but still it feels kinda scary... ugh i don't knw lol. i do plan on continuing to c my therapist on a reg basis as she is helping me as well. i still have many issues i need to overcome but i am getting there... i hope my mom plans a huge surprise party for me cuz thats what i truly want....ha but who knows... as long as i'm able to share my birthday with close friends and family thats all that really matters to me.... i am getting better with my makeup in fact i get compliments on it just about everyday :)(go me) ummmmm well thats about it:) o of course i will be spending some time on the west coast as i always do :)  so i'm real excited for that.. to some it up i just want to have a summer of complete (safe) crazyness and just a whole lot of fun.. its been along time since i've felt happy with myself and my life... so i think this summer wil help a lot:)  ok now i'm officially done lol

just gotta keep at it..

so lately i've been feeling pretty good about myself.. i started my therepy sessions and it seems to be helping....  although there are still some times where i feel isolated and alone but i'm trying to occupy my time.. i haven't gone out anywhere in a really long time or seen my friends other then at wrk and my friends that i don't c that often i really wish i could c... i'm hoping that changes in the summer since the weather is getting nicer.. josh has decided to start his stupid fucking shit again with me.... keep in mind i DON'T talk to him at all but i assumed we were on good terms until i noticed i was gone from his facebook and then he wrote me a message calling me a bitch and lots of other pleasent names.... u no wat though?  it did bum me out but fuck him in all honesty FUCK HIM i have no room inmy life for people that r gunna upset me and make me sad.... moving on taking a break from the dating seen since i seem to meet the crazies.. i've decided that this summer i'm going to focus on having fun with my friends and trying to keep myself positive....    the constant txting and phone calls i do get when i am stuck at home really helps ease my loneliness so thank you to those who have been keeping my spirits up:)  i was thinking this summer when i go to california.. i would love to stop by Alyssas grave and pay my respects to her.. i don't know how far redding is from north hollywood but u know what i think i would mke that trip for her.. i think it would help ease my sense of loss. her death just hit me really really hard & i still find myself missing her as much as i did when i found out we lost her..:(  i think of her often & sometimes i find myself txting her phone before realization hits me and it hits me like a ton of bricks...it never gets any easier & ive lost a lot of friends...........feels like its harder and harder with each one......  i really think it would help if i want there and placed a letter or some flowers or something....
 not a bad idea right?

update on everyones favorite cripple

so as some of you may or may not know i battle with depression... i guess i always have.  anyone its gotten to the point where i have to start cing my shrink again and i have my first appointment tomorrow as a matter of fact... i have a lot of things that i keep bottled up inside me & at times can get very moody to those who try and help me....  i find lately i can't really get a grip on my emotions.  i could be a little bi polar to not even so sure... i just feel my emotions to the most extreme possible especially when it comes to sadness..  i can be sad fordays ata time and it may take awhile for me to get out of it.  i know seeing her tomorrow will help release some of my bottled up feelings...  spring is here and i'm gunna try to keep myself in a happier state of mind(the nice weather helps with that as well)  i have lots to look fwd to including my trip to los angeles i take just about every year.. should be doing that around july sometime... i also tun 30this summer so i want to plan a huge party with that... :) dating?  just not interesdted anymore... i know it sounds silly but to me it seems to become a very stressful thing for me... as long as i have my friends and family thats all i really want at this moment...:)  i want this to be a stressfree summer for me wuith no more room for sadness.. i hope it will happen...

I'm happy & i know it

so i can honestly say i am happy... i do go through some pretty rough times alot.. i know i can be a moody bitch sometimes but hey thats how i am and it's something i am working to better.  i'm trying my hardest not to let depression take hold of me & right now it seems to be working...i've gone one one date that was successful & a 2ndone is in the works.. i'm really excited about that cuz i never thought someonwe would take such an interest in me and its nice to knowthat my physical problems didnt seem to threaten them or make this person feel uneasy.. which is always an issue with me when it comes to dating... it's just nice to be able to sit down & enjoy someones company & know they are enjoying urz just as much...   everything just seems to be falling into place now & i'm really glad about that..........i'm thankful for my friends who have been supportive & helped me and continue to give me a reason to get up in the morning.. yall know who u are so i wont mention any names...:)  other then that nothing new to really talk about.. just that it feels really nice to be happy:)

top reasons why gay guys rock

so as you all know i am a HUGE fag hag.. in fact my best friend is one and to be honest i couldn't ask for a better friend.  (<3 luv u faggot).  yes i can call that don't like it neither of us give a fuck i assure you ;)  i just feel so much more comfy around gay dudes because for me i feel we have so much in common as far as being discriminated against because of how we are.  but that's just one of many reasons that i have compiled in this list.

1. they make awesome shopping buddies
2. they have great fashion sense
3. you never have to worry about them being distracted by your boobs or ass while talking to you
4. instead of hiding boners when your looking all sexy they will come up and compliment how awesome you look
5. they accept you for YOU(no judgments)
6. they are ALOT more sensitive
7. if another girl is trying to start shit with u they will be the first ones in your corner to stand up for u
8. they don't think chick flicks r stupid....:)
9. they are ALOT more open with their opinions & feelings
10. they also share the excitement over your new pair of shoes

1. they are PROUD of who they are and don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of them 

so THAT my friends is way i love & think so highly of my homos.  i can honestly say those that are in my life have never made me regret making the decsion to be friends with them.  they are honestly some of my most supportive friends & i am thankful for each & every one of them<3 

show ur support and love of a cripple

show ur support by purchasing ur very own cerebral palsy awareness wristband

 front says CEREBRAL PALSY AWARENESS

 back  says CUZ WE <3 HEIDI me

so if u do not already have one and would like one plz let me know

thank you for your support :)

getting it all out...

Lately I've had some questions brewing in my mind that i just cant seem to find the answers 2.

1. with as many friends that i have why is it do i feel so alone?
2. why do i seem to be stuck in a rut i cant't get out of?
3. y do i still give myself to people who don't appreciate or give back to me in return?
4. WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE A NEVER EVER GET A BREAK FROM SHIT & STRESS

As you can see there are mostly a lot of questions beginning with "why".  I also can't deal with how selfish people have become.  Just cause i loke to help/advocate for my friends and illnesses they may have some people see that as "annoying".  well you know what i say?  It's there fucking loss.  

I don't know maybe it's the fact that the holidays are approaching & i'm seeing the joy everyone else is expirencing and wish i could have that as well.   I know some of my entries have not been s uplifting as of late.. but in my mind i am going through so much... maybe i'm doing this to myself or maybe i'm over analyzing shit... whatever it is i don't care blogging about this stuff makes me feel better.  I just feel like everyone around me is just to busy to even wanna bother with me.

I think people fail to understand me cuz they don't stop to think about how they would fel if they had to deal with half the shit i do.. i mean it isnt all bad but i deal with a lot more emotionally then most of you can handle.  do you know what itas like to go to your first wake at the age of 15..one of my friends had past away 3 days before xmas .. he was als fifteen... since then i've had numerous losses since then... it's very  frightening  to  c your dear friend just laying their.. never having the chance to grow up or anything.... i constantly worry about my friends.  there is that fear in the back of my mind almost daily.

When it comes to  romantic relationships(now thats a laugh) i have far to many hangups to even wanna try anymore.  i have abandonment issues because just about everyone who i let get close to me has left me , dropped me as if i was nothing.  the last time i let myself get close to someone i ended up having to go into therepy just to help me deal with the pain that caused me because as it turns out i was just a "parking space for his dick." as he put it. & i was just about destroyed.   took me awhile to bounce back from that  & even now i havwent gotten over it..... I also don't know if i'll ever to able to ger past all these issues i have.  guess i'm just a hopeless cause......

I've had my share of bullshit & i guess i wanna know if i will EVER stop dealing with it.  I LOVE to go out but i hate always having to be the one to ask if anyone wants to hangout(half the time no one answers anyway) why can't someone just call or txt and say "hey what are you doing today would u like to chill?"  that hasn't happened in soo long and i find myself just spending the majority of my days(when i'm not working) by myself.. which is fine some days but others it just leaves such a lonely feeling inside me it makes me chest hurt... i'm just SO TIRED of dealing with the feeling... it's making me almost numb.....to the point where i don't wanna bother going anywhere cuz i feel lie people r just doing it cuz they feel they have 2 not to mention that i feel like a burden.  makes me feel awkward too. sometimes when i go out with people i feel like i don't belong there...weird i know but i just get this "out of place" feeling.  i've also been told a lot of false promises by people who have ased me to hang & then nothing ever comes of it.  well excuse my french but.. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?  that's just about as bad as putting a peace of meat in front of a dog and then yanking it away going "haha i was just kidding u can't have this."

ok well i'm done for now.. sry if this seems neg it's not my intention to make people feel bad, the whole purpose of blogging is 2 get your feelings out and that just what i'm doing..

time for a run or in my case a roll