show ur support and love of a cripple

show ur support by purchasing ur very own cerebral palsy awareness wristband

 front says CEREBRAL PALSY AWARENESS

 back  says CUZ WE <3 HEIDI me

so if u do not already have one and would like one plz let me know

thank you for your support :)

getting it all out...

Lately I've had some questions brewing in my mind that i just cant seem to find the answers 2.

1. with as many friends that i have why is it do i feel so alone?
2. why do i seem to be stuck in a rut i cant't get out of?
3. y do i still give myself to people who don't appreciate or give back to me in return?
4. WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE A NEVER EVER GET A BREAK FROM SHIT & STRESS

As you can see there are mostly a lot of questions beginning with "why".  I also can't deal with how selfish people have become.  Just cause i loke to help/advocate for my friends and illnesses they may have some people see that as "annoying".  well you know what i say?  It's there fucking loss.  

I don't know maybe it's the fact that the holidays are approaching & i'm seeing the joy everyone else is expirencing and wish i could have that as well.   I know some of my entries have not been s uplifting as of late.. but in my mind i am going through so much... maybe i'm doing this to myself or maybe i'm over analyzing shit... whatever it is i don't care blogging about this stuff makes me feel better.  I just feel like everyone around me is just to busy to even wanna bother with me.

I think people fail to understand me cuz they don't stop to think about how they would fel if they had to deal with half the shit i do.. i mean it isnt all bad but i deal with a lot more emotionally then most of you can handle.  do you know what itas like to go to your first wake at the age of 15..one of my friends had past away 3 days before xmas .. he was als fifteen... since then i've had numerous losses since then... it's very  frightening  to  c your dear friend just laying their.. never having the chance to grow up or anything.... i constantly worry about my friends.  there is that fear in the back of my mind almost daily.

When it comes to  romantic relationships(now thats a laugh) i have far to many hangups to even wanna try anymore.  i have abandonment issues because just about everyone who i let get close to me has left me , dropped me as if i was nothing.  the last time i let myself get close to someone i ended up having to go into therepy just to help me deal with the pain that caused me because as it turns out i was just a "parking space for his dick." as he put it. & i was just about destroyed.   took me awhile to bounce back from that  & even now i havwent gotten over it..... I also don't know if i'll ever to able to ger past all these issues i have.  guess i'm just a hopeless cause......

I've had my share of bullshit & i guess i wanna know if i will EVER stop dealing with it.  I LOVE to go out but i hate always having to be the one to ask if anyone wants to hangout(half the time no one answers anyway) why can't someone just call or txt and say "hey what are you doing today would u like to chill?"  that hasn't happened in soo long and i find myself just spending the majority of my days(when i'm not working) by myself.. which is fine some days but others it just leaves such a lonely feeling inside me it makes me chest hurt... i'm just SO TIRED of dealing with the feeling... it's making me almost numb.....to the point where i don't wanna bother going anywhere cuz i feel lie people r just doing it cuz they feel they have 2 not to mention that i feel like a burden.  makes me feel awkward too. sometimes when i go out with people i feel like i don't belong there...weird i know but i just get this "out of place" feeling.  i've also been told a lot of false promises by people who have ased me to hang & then nothing ever comes of it.  well excuse my french but.. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?  that's just about as bad as putting a peace of meat in front of a dog and then yanking it away going "haha i was just kidding u can't have this."

ok well i'm done for now.. sry if this seems neg it's not my intention to make people feel bad, the whole purpose of blogging is 2 get your feelings out and that just what i'm doing..

time for a run or in my case a roll