new chapter in life

hello fellow bloggers
i know its been awhile but alot has gone on.  i no longer live in ny. i moved to nj to live with my best friend.  i decided to move myself well withoutyt getting to personal living with the parents just wasn''t working anymore and at 31 yrs old.. it was definitely time to spread my wings so to speak.  plus my bestie offered me this wonderful opportunity so why not take it? i'd be a fucking idiot not 2.  i like it a lot better here.  i am within walking distance of a lot more then i would be if i still loved on long island.  i also am no longer working but decided to get ssd which is the best thing i could've done for myself.  i am actually getting paid more from the govronment then i was working my dead end job for 12 yrs.  i'm learning so much since moving here not just about the struggles of living on your own but i've also learned a lot about myself as a person and amgrowing in a positive way as a person because of it.  so i definatly have no regrets.. i think this is the best thing i could've done for myself and i'm proud of myself for making it this far.  my best friend has been an amazing support throughout this whole thing.. there are tons of shit i didnt know cuzmy parents basically never taught me basic shit i should know how to do like folding laundry.. he has been so patient in teaching me.. alyhough i know its frustrating for him.. i truely am appreciative of everything he's done for me and continues to do for me <3  well thats basically it.  till nxt time

update september 2013

so i havent written in so long but i apologize.. lots has gone on... i am no longer employed.. i had to leave my job due to chamnging circumstances in my life.. i am in the process of filing for SSD. lets just face it my job was basically dead end and i wasntt making much plus it wasn't a nice place to work anymore and was causing me stress.   Ther SSD filing process has been very stressful but i know in the end it will be worth it.  i am in the process of relocating to NJ to share a place with my best friend.  i honestly feel like he is one of the only people in my life worth any of my time.  he has been so supportive during this whole life changing expirence and has been in my corner every step of the way.  hee is just amazing and i honestly don't know where i would be without him.  Most of my so called "friends" have astopped coming around and dont even bother with me or have made judgements on my situation and what i've done. meanwhile they aren't living my life so they really have no right to judge me for my choices or decsikons.  i know what i'm doing is best for me and thats all that really fucking matters.  ironically most of my online friends have been super supportive as well.  its crazy how i dont really get any support from my local friends but my online friends have been amazing.. crazy how that works out sometimes.. i do have to give props to my friends donna and liz though they have also been supportive.. so basicaly i feel i have 3 true friends donna liz and devin everyone else in my opinion except for my online friends can go fuck themselves...

moving on my dads emotional abuse has gotten worse and its becoming impossible for me to deal with him. that is part of the reason why i am moving...its just a real bad enviornment for me to be in.  plus i am looking fwd to a life of independenvce and freedom i've never lived on my own before(well i'll be living with fag) and i am loking fwd to this new "adventure."  neither of us have lived on our own and its awesome that we will be doing this together and being supportive of eachother throughout all the new challenges that will arise for us. :)

my mental problems have gotten to the point where i cannot really lead a nortmal life.. my therepist has suggested i be put on meds for my depression/anxiety.  it has been super hard for me to even get out of bed in the morning... some people say "snap out of it" but when your dealing with mental issues especially mine its not so easy to do.  i'm hoping these meds help... i have to make an appointment for a psy eval to see just what kind of meds will work best for me.

well thats about all for my update feel free to comment :)

update for spring 2013

it's spring and its a brand new me.  i broke up with my boyfriend of six months.. he basically is a little boy in a 34 yr olds body and that's not something i wanted to deal with...i could elaborate but i dont feel like upsetting myself.... i'm just now starting to feel a sense of peace within myself & FINALLY was able to let go of the hurt.. i am moving on in a positive direction.. just surrounding myself with the lots of positive people :)  been going out a lot with my friends... gawd i love my girls with all my heart(u guys know who you are)  i definatly have some really good people in my life..............my mental state has been improving although there are still some things i need to work on... but i guess i'll get there eventually... no california this summer... i'm kinda bummed but kinda not... i just cant afford it this yr............plus i want to focus on myself and just spend the summer close to home with my local friends.. may venture in to nj a couple times but nothing crazy... well thats basically it... sry this isn't long like like my usual posts but i honestly cant think of anything to say... except......

 

 

 

it is Organ Donation/Transplant Awareness Month so go sign up and save a fucking life <3

dealing with emotional instability & anixiety

so many of you may not know that i suffer from severe emotional instability and anxiety also lots of depression issues... i have been struggling with this for most of my adult life.  on the outside i may appear like a normal 30 yr old but inside i'm extremely emotionally immature its very easy to make me cry.. i also get emotionally overwhelmed in situations were others wouldn't. I constantly feel like i'm gunna fuck everything up in my life.. crying is an almost daily thing for me.. although over the past year or 2 it's not as bad...i over react to things i shouldn't and sometimes lash out at the people i love the most and say things i don't mean.. which is the part i feel horrible about.. i am working in therapy on ways to better deal with this because the last thing i wanna do is hurt those that i love.... it is a struggle but i feel that everyday it gets a little easier and i have learned ways to calm myself down when i feel myself loosing it.. my therapist also wants to help me figure out WHY i act out.. and i think a lot has to do with the fact that a had a father wh basically was NEVER there for me growing up and  emotionally... and still isn't.. there's also gotta be other reasons y which i'm sure will be uncovered in time.. i just want to fix this part of myself i HATE that i act out.... i need to get a better handle on this part of myself.. i'm just thankful for the support of my boyfriend and my friends & family who i know wouldn't judge me or leave my side ever. and for this i am very thankful <3

Sandy the fucking disaster

on oct 29th 20012(which is also my sisters birthday) the whole north eastern region was struck by hurricane Sandy or hurricane house destroyer or fuck shit up destroyer as i like to call her.  NJ & NY got hit the hardest i feel.  the NJ shore..gone... here in long island there were parts that got destroyed by major flooding... its just crazy to me the amount of destruction this storm left in its path.. its definitely something i will never forget.  Ive seen friends lose their homes, beaches just get washed away.. its just crazy how fast life can change in the blink of an eye.  Not to mention the loss of electricity. I am STILL waiting for my power to come back a whole fucking week later.  How am i typing this blog u ask?  simple i have been staying with my boyfriend since sat because its just been to fucking cold in my house so he was awesome enough to rescue me <3.  there is also a major fuel shortage due to this fucking disaster so gas lines have been crazyyyy.   heres an example some people had to wait on line for 5+ hrs and when you finally do get gas you can't even fill up.  most stations(that are open) only allow a $40-50 limit.. i just hope shit goes back to normal soon.. I WANT MY POWER BACK FUCK YOU LIPA MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES!!  with that said enjoy the read :)  my heart goes out to anyone reading this who was affected in some way by the worthless cunt hurricane SANDY.. stay safe & strong

pure happiness

so i recently went on a date with a truely amazing guy.. we went to dinner and we just really hit it off. the conversation was good and we just never seemed to run out of things to talk about.  he's very sweet and very adorable... so on the second date he asked me out.. needless to say i said yes and now he is  my bf and i couldn't be happier.  you know how u just know?  it just feels so right with us both of us agreed that we just couldn't pass eachother up.. he is amazing and treats me with the love & respect i deserve shit that we BOTH deserve.  he's so understanding when it comes to my limitations which is something i need.  he even massages my muscles in my legs & back when i need it :)  his big into video games.. i used to be but its just hard for me with my dexterity problems.. well thats soon gunna change:)  he's resewasrching different controlers i can use... he's so very sweet i am absolutly blown away by how he treats me.. i am always wheeling around with a constant smile on my face & we just love spending time with eachother :D  i feel so comfortable ad safe with him... i used to think i would be alone for ever.. now i know that that's just not true.. they say that "good things come to those who wait."  well now i truely believe in that.. he is real good for me and i am not letting him go for anything in the world.  i am excited about our future together as a couple this is def the start of somethng amazing and i know it's only gunna get better and i can't fucking wait.... <3



Heidi

&
Mike 9/15/12 <3 <3

my first attempt @ poetry

choas
pain , crying, tears, all is what i feel when i lose control

true happiness is yet to be found

u, me, us is what i know will NEVER be

fustration

yelling fighting no sleep all a cycle that doesnt stop

friendship? not something i'm sure i have anymore

y won't u understand y wont u give me what i need?  y? 

y no matter what i say do u not hear me?

shutoff like a lightswitch permenantly on off

love

something i will ALWAYS have for u...a love that will never stop...