just lost.....and fucked

so once again.. i am being fucked over again in the love department.  that date with that douche never happened.. do u wanna fucking know y?  cuz he stood me up twice... both times never calling to tell where he was.. just a phone that kept constantly ringing.... as well as not answering my txts.. i mean wtf man everytime i seem to put myself out there or try to open my heart to prehaps let someone in i get fucked ovedr & hurt.  to be honest it makes me feel like complete shit... wtf is wrong wioth me???  do i honestly have a fucking sign on my head that sayts stupid bitch on it.. i mst cuz to be honest i feel like a fucking fool... imagine my horor when i found out i was just a stupid fucking bet between him and his friends.... thats right..... i bet.. i know i am so worth so much more then that....   but it hurts and honestly this has started my depression again... idk.. i just feel so fucking worthless & unwanted.. and whose t o say if i will ever put my trust in anyone who shows an interst in me again?  i mean how can i be so sure they won't do se stupid shit like he did you know?  i mean i'm so thankful for my friends cuz they are nothing short of amazing.. and in that respect i am blessed truely.  
 But... WHAT ABOUT LOVE?  & WHEN WILL I FIND THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO LOVE THE PERSON MY FRIENDS & FAMILY LOVE?  I'm starting to think its just not even out there for me anymore.... it sucks & i'm just about to give up.. i feel like i live me life in so much isolation and barely anyone understands my emotions....  i feel so fucking lost....  yea i put on this smile sometime but on the inside and mentally i'm all sorts of insecure among other things.......................just hope theres a way to better my feelings & to allow myself to heal... :(
 

a whole buncha emotions

well it seems that a week from today i have a DATE with a GUY.. the date part is not really the weird part.. the GUY part is.. i really don't know why it just does.... maybe its cuz most of the girls i'm meeting just have 2 much fucking baggage like kids and pushing themselves on me when i'm not really all that interested... i have enough shit and issues of my own do i really need to take on someone ele's shit? i don't think so.  so i decided to give this dude a shot.. he seems really nice & at first i'll admit i was trying to think of EVERY possiable reason to push him away.... just cuz i fear being hurt so bad.... but as i got to talking to him i can't seem to stop... we've been talking and txting like crazy and he has nothing but compliments to give me... in a way, i guess he's bu7ilding my self esteem up again SLOWLY but he is...  i am still very apprehensive.. but what do i have to lose right?  if anything he'll just be another fried and you can never have to many of those....  it's just.. that with everything i've been through in the past i can't help but think that someway, somehow he's going to hurt me.  i know its crazy to think like that but when you've been shit on so much as i have by just about every one i've ever given my heart to its kinda hard not 2.....  maybe its my fear of him not understading someone like me & viewing the world through my eyes... i seem to find myself connecting better with those people who deal with struggles and who themselves have issues of some kind.  i feel like i'm going out on a limb here and i'm scared:(  i really don't even know if i wanna go through with this......:(