dealing with emotional instability & anixiety

so many of you may not know that i suffer from severe emotional instability and anxiety also lots of depression issues... i have been struggling with this for most of my adult life.  on the outside i may appear like a normal 30 yr old but inside i'm extremely emotionally immature its very easy to make me cry.. i also get emotionally overwhelmed in situations were others wouldn't. I constantly feel like i'm gunna fuck everything up in my life.. crying is an almost daily thing for me.. although over the past year or 2 it's not as bad...i over react to things i shouldn't and sometimes lash out at the people i love the most and say things i don't mean.. which is the part i feel horrible about.. i am working in therapy on ways to better deal with this because the last thing i wanna do is hurt those that i love.... it is a struggle but i feel that everyday it gets a little easier and i have learned ways to calm myself down when i feel myself loosing it.. my therapist also wants to help me figure out WHY i act out.. and i think a lot has to do with the fact that a had a father wh basically was NEVER there for me growing up and  emotionally... and still isn't.. there's also gotta be other reasons y which i'm sure will be uncovered in time.. i just want to fix this part of myself i HATE that i act out.... i need to get a better handle on this part of myself.. i'm just thankful for the support of my boyfriend and my friends & family who i know wouldn't judge me or leave my side ever. and for this i am very thankful <3

Sandy the fucking disaster

on oct 29th 20012(which is also my sisters birthday) the whole north eastern region was struck by hurricane Sandy or hurricane house destroyer or fuck shit up destroyer as i like to call her.  NJ & NY got hit the hardest i feel.  the NJ shore..gone... here in long island there were parts that got destroyed by major flooding... its just crazy to me the amount of destruction this storm left in its path.. its definitely something i will never forget.  Ive seen friends lose their homes, beaches just get washed away.. its just crazy how fast life can change in the blink of an eye.  Not to mention the loss of electricity. I am STILL waiting for my power to come back a whole fucking week later.  How am i typing this blog u ask?  simple i have been staying with my boyfriend since sat because its just been to fucking cold in my house so he was awesome enough to rescue me <3.  there is also a major fuel shortage due to this fucking disaster so gas lines have been crazyyyy.   heres an example some people had to wait on line for 5+ hrs and when you finally do get gas you can't even fill up.  most stations(that are open) only allow a $40-50 limit.. i just hope shit goes back to normal soon.. I WANT MY POWER BACK FUCK YOU LIPA MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES!!  with that said enjoy the read :)  my heart goes out to anyone reading this who was affected in some way by the worthless cunt hurricane SANDY.. stay safe & strong

pure happiness

so i recently went on a date with a truely amazing guy.. we went to dinner and we just really hit it off. the conversation was good and we just never seemed to run out of things to talk about.  he's very sweet and very adorable... so on the second date he asked me out.. needless to say i said yes and now he is  my bf and i couldn't be happier.  you know how u just know?  it just feels so right with us both of us agreed that we just couldn't pass eachother up.. he is amazing and treats me with the love & respect i deserve shit that we BOTH deserve.  he's so understanding when it comes to my limitations which is something i need.  he even massages my muscles in my legs & back when i need it :)  his big into video games.. i used to be but its just hard for me with my dexterity problems.. well thats soon gunna change:)  he's resewasrching different controlers i can use... he's so very sweet i am absolutly blown away by how he treats me.. i am always wheeling around with a constant smile on my face & we just love spending time with eachother :D  i feel so comfortable ad safe with him... i used to think i would be alone for ever.. now i know that that's just not true.. they say that "good things come to those who wait."  well now i truely believe in that.. he is real good for me and i am not letting him go for anything in the world.  i am excited about our future together as a couple this is def the start of somethng amazing and i know it's only gunna get better and i can't fucking wait.... <3



Heidi

&
Mike 9/15/12 <3 <3

my first attempt @ poetry

choas
pain , crying, tears, all is what i feel when i lose control

true happiness is yet to be found

u, me, us is what i know will NEVER be

fustration

yelling fighting no sleep all a cycle that doesnt stop

friendship? not something i'm sure i have anymore

y won't u understand y wont u give me what i need?  y? 

y no matter what i say do u not hear me?

shutoff like a lightswitch permenantly on off

love

something i will ALWAYS have for u...a love that will never stop...

release

so as most of you know i recently took a trip to california  which was a much needed break.. i thoroughly enjoyed myself and felt like my mental health is a little better now because of the trip.  i have also learned better coping strategies to help me better deal with my anxiety.  although i will continue to c my therapist.. cuz let's face it its always good to talk to someone.  i had such a blast.. its so nice to know that there arw people way across the country that love and respect u as well as treat u as part of their own family way across the country.. i am not blood related but i am always treated like one of the bunch and i fit in so well... so if theres one thing i'd thank jiosh for it'll be that:)  all n all just feeling way better mentally and in a happier mood all around :)

rough start to summer

so the start to the warm weatherd season has had more downs then ups.  my depression is getting worse.. there are some days i dont wanna get up at all or do anything.   i hate being alone in my house on my days off and often spend a good part of the morning crying my eyes out for a good hr or so.  i get upset when no one calls or txts me makes me feellie no one cares. even though i no its not true. i can go from 0-60 with my moods wih the snap of a finger.  going t work everyday helps though i enjoy my job and the people i work with so that helps lessen the crazyness going on inside me:)  sometimes i don't wanna check my facebook  cuz i'm reminded of the stuff i want to do but cant cuz of inability to drive.. i feel really alone sometimes ie theres an empty hole in my chest that just keeps on getting bigger and bigger.  my self esteem is in the shitter right now... emotional pain has got to b the worse pain and it sucks that ltely i've been going through alot of it....  i've been doing some things to keep my mind occupied and thats helping some...my therepist is helping me better deal with these feelings/emotions and helping e to eventually find my own place to live.  i do have things to look fwd 2.  iam going to california in july as well as the gay pride parade at the end of this month... i will say this i have some of the most amazing supportive friends in the world as well as one hell of a best friend.  devin i love u lord knows i wouldnt be able to make it through a day without ure constant calls/txts to offer advice and cheering me up:)  i'm trying to stay positive & happy but sometimes its really really hard.... there are times when i feel like no one understands oreven wants to bother trying.. i know and hope that things will get better soon because i cant take feeling like this for much longer... on the outside  i put on a smile because i'm so hoping that it helps to make the pain go away... i just want to feel happy again....

summer is fast approaching

so summer is fast approaching & i plan on having a great one.. i plan on hanging around those who make me happy and just having fun.. the scary party  is i will be turning 30 in aug... i guess that's not 2 scary but still it feels kinda scary... ugh i don't knw lol. i do plan on continuing to c my therapist on a reg basis as she is helping me as well. i still have many issues i need to overcome but i am getting there... i hope my mom plans a huge surprise party for me cuz thats what i truly want....ha but who knows... as long as i'm able to share my birthday with close friends and family thats all that really matters to me.... i am getting better with my makeup in fact i get compliments on it just about everyday :)(go me) ummmmm well thats about it:) o of course i will be spending some time on the west coast as i always do :)  so i'm real excited for that.. to some it up i just want to have a summer of complete (safe) crazyness and just a whole lot of fun.. its been along time since i've felt happy with myself and my life... so i think this summer wil help a lot:)  ok now i'm officially done lol